An Angry Man

I am not a rebel... I am just angry.

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Huh, back again...
It seems every couple of years inspiration strikes me and I find myself here, of all places, re-reading my stream of consciousness "articles" (more like whinings). They were suprisingly cathartic, my recollections tell me.

And I think I need that catharsis more than ever.

I just went through some of the worst phases of my life. I will not put it in writing here, for I have no desire to relive it, but I learned one thing: Devotion to the undeserving is torture.

Strangely enough, I am feeling inordinately motivated after so long. I am a man who never completes anything. Soon, I let the life flow by me and my motivation falls flat, and whatever I wish lies unfinished. This time, though, I am feeling motivated, and I write, I do things, I don't just let the world pass by anymore.

But I have people to thank for that. Strangely enough, not people I have been around, those who claimed to love me and care for me, but people that are barely more than complete strangers.

Weird. All it took was the lucky coincidence of two groups independently acting upon my life. One is "Lovehammer Inc.", the people gathered around one thread on the Spacebattles forum. Their positive attitude and feedback, not to mention the gems that keep appearing on the thread on a daily basis without fail for more than a month now, has kept my interest, and with that my motivation and spirit, active for quite some time now. It is a great feeling to create something of such beauty alongside such talented people, and I want to thank them for accepting a talentless hack like me.

The other bunch is the local gaming club, Kule Sakinleri (Dwellers of the Tower). And that place has become a refuge, thanks to the friendship and appreciation they display. It is a good feeling to have a place where everyone knows your name, and where you can just be yourself without anybody judging you. No agendas, just fun. I hate how needlessly Machiavellian human relationships are, and these people, both groups, display a refreshing, and sometimes shocking, sincerity I have not dared to expect from anyone for a long time.

This might look funny to any member of those groups, after all, probably those far better adjusted people just see it only as a bit of fun, nothing else, but thanks to them, I have been feeling a lot better than I have been for the last few years. And for that, even if they would forget me in a couple of months, I would treasure them and the memories for a long time.


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